Playing With a Taser

I'll start this off by saying I don't know whether it is true or not. Neither does Snopes. I just know I laughed until I cried when I read it. Enjoy...

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something for my wife Julie.

What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short-lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get a blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.

But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in the other. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inches in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy-bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best... I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it, dipstick," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and... HOLY MOTHER OF GOD... ...WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION... WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jesse Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three-second burst would be considered conservative. SON-OF-A-BITCH, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about eight feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I crapped myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my testicles.

PS - My wife loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it.

"If you think education is expensive, try being stupid."

Malice or Stupidity?

One of my favorite quotes is Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity. But yesterday I found this on Wikipedia:

A practical observation on the risks of stupidity was made by the German General Kurt von Hammerstein-Equord in Truppenführung, 1933: "I divide my officers into four classes; the clever, the lazy, the industrious, and the stupid. Each officer possesses at least two of these qualities. Those who are clever and industrious are fitted for the highest staff appointments. Use can be made of those who are stupid and lazy. The man who is clever and lazy however is for the very highest command; he has the temperament and nerves to deal with all situations. But whoever is stupid and industrious is a menace and must be removed immediately!"

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hanlon's_razor

Deer Thoughts

I think this email has been going around a while but it's still worth a post. In a May 2006 interview conducted with British journalist Robert Chalmers for The Independent on Sunday:

"What do these deer think when they see you coming?" I ask him. "Here comes the nice guy who puts out our dinner? Or, there's the man who shot my brother?"

"I don't think they're capable of either of those thoughts, you Limey a*******. They're only interested in three things: the best place to eat, having sex and how quickly they can run away. Much like the French."

Don't mess with Ted.

Thanks, Johnny.

Snopes.com/politics/soapbox/nugent.asp

Who Will Own Greenwich Mean Time (GMT)?

At the conference, "Mecca, the Center of the Earth, Theory and Practice," Muslim scientists and clerics called for a change to make Mecca the time reference for the world. They argued that the holy city in Saudi Arabia is the center of the Earth and should be the reference point for world time, not Greenwich (pronouced "Gren-itch"), England.

Greenwich, England was originally chosen because its longitude is 0 degrees, 0 minutes, 0 seconds. Greenwich Mean Time (GMT) has been the standard time since 1884.

GMT is also sometimes known as "Zulu" time, particularly by aviators. Some people mistakenly believe that the term "Zulu" is related to GMT's Zero-Hour time reference since "Zulu" is the phonetic reference for the letter "Z." I have it from a reliable source, however, that the people of Greenwich were very much impressed with the 1986 ABC mini-series, Shaka Zulu, and lobbied with airline pilots unions, under the promise of "change" to get pilots to coin the new terminology.

Now that the Muslim community has lobbied for Mecca to be the new Mean time, other religions have gotten on board. Rumor's have it that the Pope was caught on audio tape in a private conversation with American priests lobbying to make Vatican City the new standard.

The Dalai Lama has begun preliminary discussions on making Tibet the new standard for time. A theory there is that by moving the central time reference for the planet into China perhaps the Chinese government would cut them some slack. The Chinese government is not amused. The Chinese are fine with equating England with a lot of zeroes.

And finally, Tom Cruise has a taken different tack in an effort to make Scientology the religion that owns time. Tom has gone into negotiations to buy the town of Greenwich with the plan to move it into his backyard in Beverly Hills. Of course he will make pretenses of trying to get the local government to fund a new stadium deal that he knows won't go through so that he can move the time zone "with a clear conscience." He hopes that his efforts will allow the world to retain the "Greenwich" name by changing it slightly to Greenwich Cruise Time.

The Hoochie Mama of Ellicott City

Okay, couple of weeks ago we were wandering around historic downtown Ellicott City, Maryland when we came upon the Sweet Cascades Chocolatier at 8167 Main Street. I'm not sure what a 'chocolatier' is but I'm pretty sure it means they make candy. Anyway, we stepped inside to see what savory wares they might have.

In no time, the Mrs. was pointing out a thing called a "Hoochie Mama" (right) on one of the lower shelves. It was a jalepeno pepper dipped in chocolate. Oh my!

Since "Hoochie Mama" is my catch word for everything (kind of like a mainland version of "da kine"), I just had to get one.

I asked how hot the peppers were and the proprietor said they were fairly hot. I asked if the chocolate would cut the heat any. She lovingly smirked as she replied, "Honey, you won't even know the chocolate is there." Yikes!

She tried valiantly to convince me to bite the Hoochie Mama right there in the store but I had bigger plans. We were meeting a large group for dinner and I wanted to show off my Hoochie Mama.

I'll add here that I also bought a slice of chocolate covered bacon. That just sounded too strange to pass up.

So off we went to meet our group. There were about 30 people from the our week-long conference gathered for dinner at the Crab Shanty. I probably made a spectacle of showing off my Hoochie Mama but I think it was fun for everyone. I will also add that I gave everyone in the place a chance to bite the Hoochie Mama and none stepped forward.

So, after polishing off the Soft Shell Crab Volcano, I gathered everyone around to witness the event. After offering my Hoochie Mama one last time to everyone in the crowd and finding no takers, I lifted my chocolate dipped pepper friend and took the plunge.

I'd like to admit that I chewed my Hoochie Mama with a casual abandon befitting a man of my stature. I'd like to... but I can't. I had a glass of milk waiting there on the table and quickly chased the Hoochie Mama with the milk. She was still pretty danged hot. It was an event. George Wright tried some of the pepper (without the benefit of the milk - I drank it all). He ate it and he liked it. He was sweating profusely and had a kind of wide-eyed look on his face, but he liked it. I liked it too.

So, if you ever find yourself in Ellicott City (just outside of Baltimore), head to historic downtown Ellicott City and the Sweet Cascades Chocolatier and find yourself a Hoochie Mama. I'm sure you will enjoy it.

How to Throw a Golf Club

Top 100 teacher Charlie King teaches how to properly launch a golf club.

Thanks, Vince

Disneyland Sign Generator

Thanks to Mickey for the shoutout...

Disneyland Sign Generator

Infectious Laughter

How can you not laugh with this? As the original author says, this is why we spend big bucks on technology.

What's the Mission?

I've been carrying a copy of this letter around from an Air Force Project Warrior hand-out since back in the 1980's. It is a reminder not to get bogged down in the administrivia so as to forget the mission (whatever it may be at the time). I wonder how big a problem this still is...

Message from the Duke of Wellington to the British Foreign Office in London, August 1812:

Gentlemen:

While marching from Portugal to a position which commands the approach to Madrid and the French forces, my officers have been diligently complying with your requests which have been sent by His Majesty's ship from London to Lisbon and thence by dispatch rider to our headquarters.

We have enumerated our saddles, bridles, tents and tent poles, and all manner of sundry items for which His Majesty's Government holds me accountable. I have dispatched reports on the character, wit and spleen of every officer. Each item and every farthing has been accounted for, with two regrettable exceptions for which I beg your indulgence.

Unfortunately the sum of one shilling and ninepence remains unaccounted for in one infantry battalion's petty cash and there has been a hideous confusion as to the number of jars of raspberry jam issued to one cavalry regiment during a sandstorm in western Spain. This reprehensible carelessness may be related to the pressure of circumstance, since we are at war with France, a fact which may come as a bit of a surprise to you gentlemen in Whitehall.

This brings me to my present purpose, which is to request elucidation of my instructions from His Majesty's Government, so that I may better understand why I am dragging an army over these barren plains. I construe that perforce it must be one of two alternative duties, as given below. I shall pursue either one with the best of my ability but I cannot do both:

1. To train an army of uniformed British clerks in Spain for the benefit of the accountants and copy-boys in London, or, perchance

2. To see to it that the forces of Napoleon are driven out of Spain.

Signed,
Your most obedient servant
WELLINGTON

Voting Intelligence

Or more people interested in what the "government" will give them... Thanks, Tony...

Going-Away Cake

Okay. Imagine you call to order a cake. You explain, "I want it to say 'Best Wishes Suzanne.' Underneath that, 'We will miss you!'"

Oh the humanity!!!

Thanks, Angie

Choose Your Ammo Wisely

Retired Green Beret shoots intruder, gets court martial

BREVARD, Jan. 19, 2008 - Retired Army Green Beret James T. (Smokey) Taylor got his court martial this weekend and came away feeling pretty good about it.

Taylor, at age 79, is one of the oldest members of Chapter XXXIII (The Larry Thorne Chapter) of the Special Forces Association. He was placed on trial by fellow Chapter XXXIII members under the charge of "failing to use a weapon of sufficient caliber" in the shooting of an intruder at his home in Knoxville, TN, in November.

The court martial, of course, was very much tongue in cheek. The event itself was deadly serious.

Taylor had been awakened in the early morning hours of November 5, 2007,when an intruder broke into his home. He investigated the noises with one of his many weapons in hand.

"It was just after Halloween, on Monday morning at 4:30," Taylor said. I,heard this commotion at the door and grabbed my fishing gun, a little .22 revolver, to see what was going on. I got to the front door and this fellow had ripped my security door out of its frame. He said, 'you're going to have to kill me. I'm coming in.'"

When a warning to leave went unheeded, Taylor brought his .22 caliber pistol to bear and shot him right between the eyes.

"I was about four feet away from him when I shot," Taylor said. "Looking back now, I'm glad he didn't die, but that boy had the hardest head I've ever seen. The bullet bounced right off."

The impact knocked the would-be thief down momentarily. He crawled out of the house then got up and ran down the street. Taylor dialed 911 and Knoxville police apprehended the wounded man about 200 yards away, hiding in a hedgerow.

Complicating the case, as well as the court martial, the offender was released on bail but failed to appear for his court date. Knoxville police said the man was homeless. They did not know his whereabouts or why he had been given bail.

The charges brought against Taylor by his fellow Green Berets were considered to be serious. He is a retired Special Forces Weapons Sergeant with extensive combat experience during the wars in Korea and Vietnam.

"Charges were brought against him under the premise that he should have saved the county and taxpayers the expense of a trial," said Chapter XXXIII President Bill Long of Asheville, NC.
The trial was held at the Hampton Inn in Brevard, part of the group's regularly scheduled quarterly meeting. Long appointed a judge, Bert Bates, a defense counsel, Jim Hash, and a prosecutor, Charlie Ponds. All are retired Special Forces non-commissioned officers with extensive combat and weapons experience.

Ponds outlined the case against Taylor, emphasizing that the citizens of Knox County were going to be burdened with significant costs to again apprehend, and then prosecute and defend the would-be burglar.

"Proper choice of a larger caliber gun would have spared the citizens this financial burden," Ponds said, "while removing one bad guy from the streets for good. He could have used a .45 or .38. The .22 just wasn't big enough toget the job done. Hash disagreed. He said Taylor had done the right thing in choosing to arm himself with a .22.

"If he'd used a .45 or something like that the round would have gone right through the perp, the wall, the neighbor's wall and possibly injured some innocent child asleep in its bed. I believe the evidence shows that Smokey Taylor exercised excellent judgment in his choice of weapons. He clearlyremains to this day an excellent weapons man."

Hash then floated a theory as to why the bullet bounced off the perp's forehead.

"He was victimized by old ammunition," he said, "just as he was in Korea and again in Vietnam, when his units were issued ammo left over from World WarII."

Taylor said nothing in his own defense, choosing instead to allow his peers to debate the matter. The jury, consisting of all the members of the Chapter, discussed the merits of choosing a larger caliber weapon as well as the obvious benefits to society of permanently deleting the intruder so he would never again threaten any private citizen.

The other side of the coin, that of accidentally causing injury to a completely innocent citizen if a more powerful gun had been used, also gained considerable support.

Following testimony from both sides, Judge Bates determined the charges should be dismissed. The decision was met with a round of applause. In fact, there was strong sentiment expressed that Taylor should receive an award for not only choosing wisely in picking up the .22, but for the accuracy of his aim under difficult and dangerous conditions.

After the trial Taylor said the ammunition was indeed old and added the new information that the perp had soiled his pants as he crawled out the door.

"I would have had an even worse mess to clean up if it had gone through his forehead," Taylor said. "It was good for both of us that it didn't."

Meanwhile, back in Knox County, the word is out: Don't go messing with Smokey Taylor. He just bought a whole bunch of fresh ammo.

Tribune Editor Bill Fishburne is a member of the Larry Thorne Chapter XXXIII of the Special Forces Association.

2007 Today's Toons Favorites

The results are in for the favorite cartoons of 2007 from readers of the FreeRepublic.com daily cartoon thread. See all of the top 40 at the link above. Here's #10:

Hammer Skills

My brother-in-law was up helping with the house this weekend. Even though he's a plumber, he's pretty handy with a hammer too...

History of AT&T

Thought this Colbert piece was appropriate and, perhaps, goes along with my August 5th post regarding my fun with "Cingular is the new AT&T." We won't even bring up that thing about the AT&T logo looking like the Death Star from Star Wars. Oops...

Liberals Pro Security?

Only if they can slap some bacon on it.

Tax Poetry

Tax his land, Tax his bed, Tax the table at which he's fed.
Tax his tractor, Tax his mule, Teach him taxes are the rule.
Tax his cow, Tax his goat, Tax his pants, Tax his coat.
Tax his ties, Tax his shirt, Tax his work, Tax his dirt.
Tax his tobacco, Tax his drink, Tax him if he tries to think.
Tax his cigars, Tax his beers, If he cries, then Tax his tears.
Tax his car, Tax his gas, Find other ways to tax his ass
Tax all he has, then let him know That you won't be done, 'till he has no dough.
When he screams and hollers, then tax him some more, Tax him till he's good and sore.
Then tax his coffin , Tax his grave, Tax the sod in which he's laid.
Put these words upon his tomb: " Taxes drove me to my doom..."
When he's gone, don't even relax, It's time to apply the Inheritance Tax.

Accounts Receivable Tax
Building Permit Tax
CDL license Tax
Cigarette Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Dog License Tax
Excise Taxes
Federal Income Tax
Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA)
Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax
Fuel Permit Tax
Gasoline Tax (42 cents per gallon)
Gross Receipts Tax
Hunting License Tax
Inheritance Tax
Inventory Tax
IRS Interest Charges IRS Penalties ( tax on top of tax)
Liquor Tax
Luxury Taxes
Marriage License Tax
Medicare Tax
Personal Property Tax
Property Tax
Real Estate Tax
Service Charge Tax
Social Security Tax
Road Usage Tax
Sales Tax
Recreational Vehicle Tax
School Tax
State Income Tax
State Unemployment Tax (SUTA)
Telephone Federal Excise Tax
Telephone Federal Universal Service Fee Tax
Telephone Federal, State and Local Surcharge Taxes
Telephone Minimum Usage Surcharge Tax
Telephone Recurring and Non-recurring Charges Tax
Telephone State and Local Tax
Telephone Usage Charge Tax
Utility Taxes
Vehicle License Registration Tax
Vehicle Sales Tax
Watercraft Registration Tax
Well Permit Tax
Workers Compensation Tax

Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago, and our nation was the most prosperous in the world. We had absolutely NO national debt, had the largest middle class in the world, and Mom stayed home to raise the kids. What happened?

And I still have to press "1" for English...

Thanks, Mr. Bishop

A Higher Calling?

www.ChurchSignGenerator.com

Elephant Story

Received this heartwarming and true story from Thad...

In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.

Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Mbembe was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe' s legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

Your First Kiss

So, it's your first kiss and several questions might come to mind:
- Is it the right time?
- Is anyone watching?
- Does your partner even want to?
- Is your breath fresh?

Then you lean in and just go for it!!!